Ready to go
Tomorrow my ex and I are going to discuss moving back to Austin. I just can't live in such a small place. I feel claustrophobic being on an island.
I don't know what the future holds, but... I just don't want to live here. I don't like it.
I did an exorcism, curse/hex/spell-breaking type of prayer ritual last night and it opened my eyes. This isn't my home. A person I thought loved me is an habitual liar. And lies make a beautiful thing ugly. I know in my heart they aren't trustworthy. Because only people living a lie get angry and hurt a person who tells the truth. I wouldn't want them around me or my kid. She's worth so much more to me than even the dream of any other person, and so am I.
I have been sitting with that last sentence there for a while...
I look in the mirror, and I love the person I see. I feel into my heart, and I love what I find there.
You know what? It was always me. I'm a magical woman. There's a light inside. It's a gift from God. It's in here...all the time.
Once in a meditation session, the Creator told me, "Your life up until now was about many things, but one of the common threads was people invalidating you. A change is coming where the rest of your life will be you rising above that, and unprecedented love and joy will be yours. I'm going to lift you out of that, and people will see my handiwork and be amazed." I honestly thought that meant that I would find a romantic love that would somehow complete me. But it didn't. I mean it more than ever when I say... Thank God.
It's something so much better. It's like... Hey wow it's Wednesday night, and I was whole all along. That magical golden love wave? That's in here all the time. It's mine. Look, I can call it up right now. It doesn't depend on anyone else. It's just... You know what I'm realizing it's my soul.
I'm so glad I never went on a single date since I got here. I'm so glad I haven't kissed anyone. I'm so glad I pretended not to see certain people. That day coming home from buying ranch. In the street on my way to buy noodles. By the church. The day the dog started barking. That day at the bus stop. I didn't know why I did that before, but now I see that every step was guided. Not because of them but because I would have missed out on this moment. I don't need to drink, I don't need drugs, I don't need material goods, I don't need fame, I don't need a boyfriend, I don't need a ring on my finger, I don't need a codependent relationship to keep me going. Holy shit.
Not that there hasn't been beauty along the way but this is so much better.
Is this what it's like to be Oprah, only with a significantly smaller salary?
I cannot believe how good this feels. Like, I've had some beautiful moments of feeling one with another person before, but to feel one with myself? This is...this is on another level. Because I'm not going to leave me. I'm not lying. I'm not hiding anything.
And no one can take this away from me.
I mean, no one.
That feeling...the rushing in of a love wave into my heart? It lives in me. And it's not a secret, either. I'm not a secret.
I'm not going to keep it hidden.
It makes me impervious to... Like, the flaunting of others and to their disdain. Their jealousy. Hey, call it what it is. It isn't always that but sometimes it really is. That's okay. Jealousy hurts. I know. And I don't wish them harm.
I got it now. I found my story. And I'm strong enough to tell it.
I don't have to explain myself. I want to go home. I'll leave when I'm ready. And I'll be back to visit whenever I feel like it.
The peace in my soul is beyond. The only time I felt better is when I held my baby for the first time.