Dream: empty houses full of people
A couple of times in the past week or so, I've been sitting around minding my own business when all of a sudden my mind goes, "Hey, go look out the window." So I do and there's nothing there and then suddenly there's you. Each time you look a little different. You don't look but you do but you don't. And I'm like, whose voice is that? Is it really necessary to have me here like a hobbit or a bunny standing on my bed looking out like a weirdo?
I had a dream about you last night, but you weren't in it.
I was in a city that was pretending to be this one. I started out walking down the street, past a cafe that looked like the colorful one named after a Celia Cruz song. Everywhere I went there were young people I didn't know but who seemed to know me, and they were all friendly. Now that I think about it, it was kind of like The Truman Show. Only grungier. A girl walking by asked me if I had any money I could give her. She stopped to make sure I was telling her the truth. I told her I was going into town to find an ATM and she was satisfied with that. It was like she knew me.
I kept walking and suddenly it was nighttime and I had a salad in my hand that I wanted to stop and eat. So I went into an Irish pub and sat down with my food to eat it. Nobody gave me any trouble, the bartender nodded at me and said hello. There was a long table full of guys around my age, maybe slightly younger. I looked over and they all nodded at me cordially. I finished my food.
I walked out and saw Sarah. I guess she had been in town and I forgot. I was alarmed and asked if she was leaving right away, if I had missed her trip. She said she had a few days left and she wasn't bothered. I think she was with her brother, too. I had to go find my daughter, so I walked on.
I came to a house, a trailer, and I stopped because the family I used to nanny for was living there. I heard someone inside call out and tell me to come in. So I did, but I must have picked the wrong door because every room was empty, but I could hear them. I left.
Now I was on a residential street in America. With one story homes built in the 60s or 70s. Big front lawns. Warm weather. There were three particular houses in a row. The one in the middle was mine. There were people in the front yards, milling around, going in and out of the houses. Like there was one party spread across all three. My first husband was walking next to me, I was saying that I wanted to check on my daughter and he said okay. We go up to a house, through the garage, and he pauses at the door that leads inside and he turns to me and says that it's your family's house, and he's going to go in and say hello. He meant your parents and siblings were in there. Then he turned and went in and left me out in the garage. I took that to mean I wasn't welcome, and I turned around and left. I was confused now, and since I didn't know what to do, I was trying to figure out which house was mine so I could find my kid. I looked in the front yard and saw a woman who was your mom standing chatting with people. Her back was to me but I was worried that someone would call me over to introduce me to her, and I looked a fright. I was wearing pajamas and a hoodie and I looked like I had just woken up. So I half ran over the lawns, through the various people going in and out of houses... It was your mom's house, then my house in the middle, then another house that belonged to one of your male ancestors. This guy kind of reminded me of like... A TV dad from the 60s. He had on a nice jacket, he had mostly grey hair, whiter at the temples. He looked like he had gotten some sun. His skin was tan and kind of shiny. Kind of like my dad's but not as dark. And very nice teeth, a wide smile. He stood a lot like Cary Grant but he was more rugged. Like, he was definitely a charmer.
Anyway, I stumbled into his house. It was quieter in there, not that many people, a few men standing around. I was thinking of what to do next. It's like I was half asleep or something. I was thinking that I needed to figure out if I should cut through the yards or through the houses to get to my house. Because I think you were around and for some reason I thought if you saw me you'd get mad at me. I don't know why. I just felt like you were mad at me.
Then that male ancestor of yours (I wanna say grandfather?) comes up to me. I think he had either a glass of scotch or a cigarette in his hand. His blazer was plaid. Kind of a loud print but definitely stylish. Anyway he comes up to me and says, "Since you're not an aficionado, could you just walk through the house and go to your place? I'm try to have a meeting here." Apparently he was in a club for aficionados of some sort and I was messing up his vibe. I actually totally understood, I was embarrassed that I was there obviously in my pajamas stumbling around when everyone else was dressed and socializing nicely. So I cut through his house, went out the side door and then finally into my own house.
None of these places had any noticeable furniture in them, by the way.
I walk into my place. It reminded me of the houses in Texas or Oklahoma where I used to go to parties. I didn't have any furniture, all the walls were white. I was making my way down a hall to go to the back of the house, and as I did, people were coming out to go to the front yard. Young people. Friendly people. But no one I knew. I was looking for you, but you weren't there.
I got to the room where my daughter was sleeping. There wasn't a door, just a sheer white curtain. A red-haired young woman was sitting on the floor in front of it, a drink in her hand, smiling. She looked just like that actress from True Blood, the tall red-head who gets turned into a vampire. She was like, "Heeeey!" when she saw me. I said to her, "I don't know if you realize this, but you've been guarding my daughter with your life this whole time." She was like,"I was aware of it. I kept telling people this room was off limits." I wonder if that's her guardian angel: a red haired college girl with a little bit of a drinking problem. I went into the room and checked on my daughter. The room she was in was the only fully furnished one I'd seen in any of these houses. She was fine, asleep, only she was in a white crib in a master bedroom. The room was white, there was a grownup bed right next to the crib, it had like white or pale pink bedding and a small TV in the upper corner, it was on but no volume. It was clean and cozy. There was a lamp on, the light was soft. It was quiet and she was safe.
I went back to talk to the angel and she said something to me like, it was something about how I was scared that you were mad at me because I was feeling insecure, that's all, and that it was all in my head or something. And that's why I couldn't find you in the dream. She said something like that you were there but I couldn't see you. Something like that. She said it succinctly, all in one sentence,but I forget exactly what words she used because she said it like really loud and I was like, "Ohhhh..." and then my daughter asked me for cereal in the waking world and woke me up.
I hope some day we get to compare notes and get to find out how accurate any of these dreams were.