Occasionally my posts get a lot of views (like more than 100) and this makes me very uncomfortable. Like, I don't actually want a lot of people reading these. Most disconcerting.
Microdosing continues. Saturday, I was really stressed out all morning while I sent in job applications, made multiple meals for my child, and struggled to get things done around the house and get out of the house to go for a walk. My little girl was kind of whiny and demanding, and I was getting annoyed with her. Then when we were about to walk out the door, I crouched down and thanked her for helping me with things this morning and for doing such a good job. She got tears in her eyes. I asked her what's wrong? She said her stomach hurt. I felt terrible and asked her what would help. We packed some cookies and chocolate milk for the stroller ride.
I had taken my microdose moments before walking out the door, and as we headed towards town, I reflected on the stress I had felt and how snappy and impatient it had made me all morning. My job is really getting to me, I realized. My lead teacher is one of those people who is a vortex of negativity but she thinks she's hiding it (she's not). I'm not the only one who finds her difficult to work with. She has an air of disrespect towards the staff, myself included, and she almost never communicates except to give snappy orders. Exactly how I had been that morning. I felt so guilty. I miss my daughter all week long, and give the bulk of my energy to other people's children all day at work, then I finally get home to her and she gets the leftovers. And they're not good enough. I have been applying for other jobs for the past couple of weeks and will continue to do so. And in the meantime I'm being more mindful of my energy and attention while I'm with her.
So I had re-upped my microdose that Saturday (according to the schedule I've set for myself) and we set out to my friend's jewelry shop downtown, because my daughter had accidentally broken her bracelet so we were going to swap it out. My friend and I chatted for a while about microdosing and she told me a little bit about the ceremonial, shamanic-style psychedelic community here in town, which I didn't know existed. I might try joining one some time, but it depends entirely on how comfortable and safe I feel with whoever facilitates them. We talked about the healing that I'm experiencing. How it continues to unfold even in the days that follow taking the tiny doses of medicine, and how profound it's been, how many layers and levels there are, and how it somehow feels so "on purpose" for it to have happened at this time. Then some customers came into the shop, so we left and headed back towards home.
As I walked along pushing the stroller, I suddenly felt the medicine really kick in. There's always an hour or so where it's stronger and I feel the psychedelic effects slightly. Please know that this is NOT an experience of being impaired, it's not like being drunk, for example. And it's not a strong psychedelic experience of visuals and things. I'm just one of those people who really feels it even when it's literally like, the smallest crumb. I think maybe because I'm a bit psychic as it is, so I'm already kind of "out there" anyway. So when people take like, one mushroom, it's like they're walking into my living room and I'm like, "Hi! This is where I live! Welcome!" Then they take another and then they go beyond my, quote-unquote, living room. So anyway, I'm trying to say that I wasn't impaired, I was just feeling that river of energy and spirit flowing through me. That's all I'm saying. So I was still tuned in to my child. We stopped for a moment to get her another cookie from the ziploc bag I had brought along, and a sip of milk, for example.
So anyway, as I walked, I was feeling the flow of energy moving through me. I started seeing little signs and like, inside jokes between the universe and me, and it felt really good. By the time we were approaching the house, I was really riding the wave. I also was very, very cold. I wasn't wearing a hat (my child was properly dressed and had a blanket over her legs too) and I wished I had brought one. It was below freezing. I had to really concentrate on just like, walking, because of the cold. And I could feel something within, and that had me in this strange place of like, feeling really good because of the medicine, being very cold because of the weather, and paying attention to the energy flow going on inside. It felt like my every step had been planned out, weirdly. It still feels that way. Like things are going on behind the scenes that I'm not fully aware of, but they're like, right there? Like soon I will see them? And in the last twenty-four hours or so, it keeps working within and making positive changes inside.
I'm really glad I started doing this. It's like... I feel peaceful, and grounded (connected to the earth), but also I get these little signs and reminders and feelings from the other side, too. They make me smile out of nowhere. It probably looks a little nutty from the outside. Or maybe it looks nice, like I just thought of something happy. And then, to borrow a phrase my friend used at the shop, there's this process of "uncoiling" happening within.
You know what's weird?
Okay, this is just hitting me now, in real time.
It feels almost like... Almost like I'm becoming who I would have been, if I had never... If I had never what? No... See, I was going to say, it feels like I'm becoming who I would have been if I had never encountered abuse or toxic relationships. But that's not it, because those experiences gave me the gift of empathy. And without them I wouldn't be sitting here, now. So it's not that. It's that the medicine is healing all of those layers. It's not just making me feel groovy in the day-to-day. If you can picture layers of tissue? Is that what it looks like? Like the layers of the dermis seen through a microscope? Only in gentle tie-dye colors? And they're being rained on, with healing water. And the water is trickling down... Soaking through the layers... And it's just cleaning away the poisonous reside that got left over. Almost like if someone is extremely dehydrated and their muscles start to cramp and contract. Then the water comes in and the muscles relax and return to their balanced state of being. That's how it feels. I suppose it feels like my soul is drinking water, is that the analogy I'm going with? I promise you I am sober as I'm writing this. I know it doesn't sound like it, but I am. I literally cleaned my whole house today, and I just finished bedtime and I'm going to put on a movie and fold laundry here in a minute.
In other words, it's healing me. Going all the way back.
It's making it so that I can see that my work situation is unhealthy, and that I feel ready and willing and able to find a better job. And I feel worthy of it, without question. It's making it so that I can see when I'm not giving my best self to my daughter, and it enables me to course-correct and apologize and tune back in to her. And we had a great weekend because of that. It's guiding me on a walk where I'm like, giggling a little bit because God is winking at me all the time going, "Come on... Come on... Okay stop and give her a cookie. Okay now, keep going... You should have worn a hat... It's cold, you'd better hurry... I've got you... Left, right, left right, look both ways before you cross that street. Look out, the sun's in your eyes. Don't hit the trees. Okay, almost there..." And I swear God was giggling, too.
God giggles for sure. Mostly through babies, I think. But sometimes through us, too.
In some ways, in a lot of ways, that's what this feels like. Like I'm a baby being gently taught to walk. The Divine Parent has each of my hands above my head and I'm toddling along, and They're giggling with glee going, "That's right... keep going, you got it!"
And in other ways, I feel like I'm catching up with myself now. Like the little pockets of consciousness that got stuck in trauma are standing up and running to join me in the here-and-now. And I'm okay. I'm strong. Like, this morning I made coffee and ate a pear and a passion fruit and made my daughter breakfast and then I cleaned the bathroom. And then I washed her snow suit so it would be ready for school tomorrow. And I did the dishes. And put things away. And vacuumed. And dusted a little bit. Changed the sheets on the beds. Not like, in a manic way. I was just... Calm and energetic and actually able to do all of these things without getting stressed or overwhelmed. There was one moment where I started to, and I just calmed myself down and continued. I suppose that's normal for most people, but for me it was nice to be able to just flow through them and before I knew it, I looked around and my place looked great. I guess that's the ability to focus on tasks you don't necessarily want to do but that you need to do.
Then we went to the hardware store and got paint, and to the grocery store and got food. I got home like right after 4:00 and realized I had left my purse in the grocery store cart! Gah! (I hadn't eaten enough, my blood sugar was low). So I called and they had it! Saved! So we drove back and got it and then went back home. And I painted two picture frames and this little mirror I got at Tiger last weekend in the front yard. The picture frames are blue and the mirror frame is yellow. The blue came out a little too light. I gotta go back and get a different shade. I got green for the cabinet, too. But I didn't start that one yet.
Anyway. Then we came inside and I cooked spaghetti and meat sauce for dinner, and the child ate two bowls of it and was so cute. And we read two chapters of Matilda and a few stories from her children's Bible and now she's asleep. It was a productive, yet relaxed, and pleasant Sunday.
With spiritual and emotional healing going on in the background.
I'm smiling a little.
Hi. It's me. It's good to be here.