It's all right (no really)
I'm not crazy, I've just had a tough few years.
My parents love me. They do. I had a good childhood.
I'm not alone. I'm not. My friends are plentiful.
It's extremely common to love someone who doesn't want to be with you. That's okay. It means they're not the one.
So many people I love, even the most stable, most solid, most stalwart, have thought about ending it. Have wondered if they're crazy. If they're too much. If they have what it takes to make it through.
I'm not too much for the people who love me. It's just hard to be on your own a lot during monumental changes. And when you've lived through abuse, it takes a while to ignore the script that the abusers plant in your head.
I know with so much certainty that my guy is on his way. Like, I know that I'm enough on my own, and I know that I could be happy that way. (No, really.) Because I know the scripts the abusers left in my head aren't true, and even a really bad day for me just looks like me crying and needing a conversation and a hug.
It's simple medicine.
When I was back in the States, I found this vintage necklace. Italian glass. A light blue cross with white flowers. And something told me, get it for your wedding day. Because some day I'll get married again.
And when I was stocking up for the move to Iceland, I saw some men's shampoo, some grooming products, in small sizes. And something told me, go ahead and get a few. Because your love is on his way to you, and you'll have things for him to use that smell good.
And when I was shopping for a bed, I got the double because something told me, eventually you'll need space for two.
So I bought them. It's an act of faith. Of making room.
And today I feel, he's on his way. And he's really solid. No stress. No question if there's somewhere else he'd rather be. He'll only want to be right here with me. He's kind. Unpretentious. A little scraggly, how I like them. We won't have competing salon appointments. And he'll love me up close. With good hugs.
I don't know where he's coming from but I'll hang out and drink tea and love being alive til he gets here.