Here I Am

This weekend was a strange one, but not altogether fruitless. 

I'll cut to the chase.

I learned that I need to rely on my own gifts, and my own inner knowing, without asking anyone else what they think. 

I have a habit of giving away my power.

I have a habit of doubting myself. 

I have a habit of telling my soul sisters my visions or hunches to see if they feel like they're legit.

I'm not doing that anymore.

I can be trusted with my own gifts.

I can be trusted with my own power.

I know I will not use them to do wrong. 

I know that they will guide me to my own truth.

I figured out why I keep thinking back to Portland. It's not just because of the fonder memories I have there. It was there that I started to get tangible signs that my gifts were legitimate. Dreams. Outlandish coincidences. Hunches that played out in the physical world later. People coming into my life. People walking through my door. Knowing that even when others were trying to convince me otherwise, I felt the key turning in the lock and the door to my freedom was starting to budge as I kicked at it. 

It all started there. The day of the accident. Stepping out of the car on the side of the highway, shaking. The cop giving me a ride home. Rushing to Álfrún's crib where she lay napping, touching her cheek. My body hurting but being basically unharmed. Something getting rattled loose in my heart, and a voice inside, speaking gently to me. Gently but firmly. "I've come to help you. Just do as I ask." 

I had a habit of doubting myself. 

Until now. 

Just as I sat down to start writing this, I closed my eyes and tuned in to listen to my heart. 

I hear the pop and roar of a huge bonfire. One taller than myself. Yet it's contained inside me. It's mine. 

My gifts aren't ones I asked for, but were given to me freely.

I have permission to use my power for myself, and I claim it. 

I invite it into my hands. I coax it out to the edges of my aura. It's warm. I feel my appetite returning. I barely ate all weekend. I barely slept. I've been wan and half out of my body, barely there. Now I could really go for a steak. But fried eggs will have to do. Sunnyside up, baby.

I refuse to pretend that my gifts don't exist. That I should dumb myself down to make others feel better about themselves. I wasn't born to shrink and hide. To stare at the ground. 

I think I can sleep now. 

I had a lot of fun choosing this picture.


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