A little dark night of the soul action
They call it the dark night of the soul when you're on a journey and you've come too far to go back, but you haven't yet reached wherever it is you're headed, and it feels uncomfortable. I personally have felt perpetually in one dark night of the soul or another for the better part of a decade, but nevertheless... This one is definitely happening and I don't know how long it will last.
I'm no longer really friends with my ex. Nothing happened it's just that there isn't really anything there anymore. I wanted more boundaries to where my home is just mine and his home is just his and there needs to be some respect for one another's space. It's not so much that I wanted to be like best buddies. It's things like, I called because I caught a cold. I was scared obviously because of the pandemic and wanted to find out if I should get a test but it was the weekend. I didn't know what to do, I'm in a foreign country here. So I called to ask but was met with indifference and finally had to be like, hi I'm all alone in this country could you please not rush me off the phone and brush me off long enough to tell me how I can find a doctor on a Saturday morning for crying out loud? I ended up being fine. It was just weird to go from the kind of friendship where they'd ask about your symptoms and volunteer the information instead of kind of annoyance that you're even on the phone. Next time I know to call anyone else, but wow that change happened quickly.
With the loss of that friendship means inevitable distance between that myself and that whole family, which is actually the hard part because I really like them. And my own family... There's always drama and it's always my fault, that's the PR message we go with these days and I don't bother trying to change it anymore. I'm an alien or something, that's all I know.
So it's like, I can kind of understand why people don't leave long term relationships sometimes. It's hard to be kicked out of all the groups you were a part of through your spouse. It always happens quicker than you expect. Before you can get ready.
My friends check on me, though. I hope some day I can do something for them to repay them, because it means so much. It really does. This is a lonely time. It's way harder than I let on, and I say that fully acknowledging that I'm constantly complaining about how hard it is. But I mean... I can clean my place myself and do all the chores and things. I hung up Christmas lights today. It was pretty easy, actually, and kind of fun. It's being far from your own people, but no longer part of anyone else's people that's jarring. It's nobody's fault. It's fine. It's not like anyone is being mean to me, and it's not like those relationships are gone or over. But they're changing. It's only natural.
And it's definitely a moment when you realize that you're on the outside now. And you don't know how long you're going to be alone. You don't know what the plan is for your life. If there is one. If you won't get any more chances or if you will, and when. It's all unknown. You just have to keep going on your own.
Marcus Aurelius said, "If it can be endured, then endure it." Or something like that. And I tell myself that once in awhile. I should write it down somewhere so I don't forget, because it helps. It can be endured. I can endure it. Soon it will have made me stronger and it won't take effort. Very soon, in fact. Here it comes. I'm strong. My ancestors survived tougher stuff than this. Abuse. Hunger. Wars. Prison camps. They moved to a new country too. They left everything behind. They didn't know the language either. They did it and I got to be born because of them.
So I can do it too.
It's not hard.
I can do it.