Cactus. Hare. Nightmare.

Last night when I went to sleep, it was about one in the morning. I found myself really missing Austin a lot. I felt like crying but don't want to always cry so easily. Then I thought, like, honestly who cares, if I want to cry, I'll cry. And I really did, like, kind of a lot. Images of Austin floated through my mind one at a time. There's also a sense that I wasted so much of my time there being unhappy and weighed down in a relationship I had no business being in, I could have enjoyed it so much more. But there's no point in thinking like that anymore, what's done is done and I'm free now.


The final image was the picture I took of the sunrise at the caverns of Sonoras with some of the gals from my women's circle. I was looking at it in my mind and remembering the nopal cacti that grew there. And I thought, maybe someday I'll get a tattoo of a nopal in full bloom. I was thinking of it in detail when suddenly a wild hare appeared next to it. He looked me right in the eye, the way they do, and said, "Hey. It's okay. It's going to be okay. Really. It is. It's going to be okay." He turned to go. I wondered if I should write down what he said, or if I would remember it. He looked back at me, "I have to go look at the moon. Write it down. It's going to be okay. Write it down. Note the time. Write it down." So I did. It was about one.


Then I went to sleep and had a nightmare. A man was standing outside across the street, staring in my window. A pregnant woman lived in my apartment and got scared and I said, "Don't worry, he's staring at me not you." She said,"I've never seen anybody with so much hatred in his eyes. Aren't you afraid that he's out there with so much hate in his eyes for you?" It was raining hard in the dream and in real life. I asked my dad to go outside and check the perimeter. The police were called. I went outside and saw a young guy who looked like a "run-of-the-mill, average young guy." He had changed his appearance and was walking away. He had a backpack on. I confronted him and he tried to punch me. The police were coming. I held onto him. He tried to gouge me in the eye. 


I woke up really terrified. It was about quarter to three. My curtains don't provide enough privacy and I decided I'm going to hang up the light blocking ones too so I can close them at night. I hate feeling exposed like that.


My next dream was a blur, but in the end I was holding a baby boy, and some people were trying to take him away from me. I don't remember what they looked like, but somehow I knew they were evil. They were reaching for him, saying like, "Give him to us for just a minute." But there were also some good people between me and them saying, "Don't give up the child! Don't give up the child!"I didn't know what to do. The bad people had their hands on the baby boy, but I was still holding on. They were trying to confuse me. They mix lies with the truth. The good people were still saying, "Don't give up the child!" when I woke up.


So yeah, that was disturbing.


I'm in this place where like, I'm really tired and I don't know what to do. I'm tired of searching. Sometimes I'm even tired of praying. (But I still do.) I'm tired of trying to figure out clues and signs and games. I'm tired of having to protect myself from others. I decided to stop allowing my ex to come to my house for a while because I need a break from sticky energy. I just bring the girl to his house and pick her up again. Even though I have a tapestry I need help to hang on the wall above my TV, I'm not going to ask him in to help me. I'll just wait until a tall person comes over at some point and do it then. That's how committed I am to maintaining that boundary. I just don't want his eyes on my life. No interference of any kind is allowed to mess with me and what I want to do. So my apartment is my sanctuary, and the only people who are ever there these days are me, the girl, and occasionally my friend Margrét who comes over.


The other day I had a reiki session and every time I thought maybe I'd reach out and text an old friend, my friend the reiki healer said, "I don't know what this means but Jesus is saying to rest your hands." (Jesus shows up at reiki sessions a lot, even if the healer and client don't believe in him. He still likes to help.) We always close with a journey, and in it I was shown just simple images of real life, and that was it. I was like, umm what? Because normally my journeys are kind of a lot. But they said, now your everyday life will be like a journey, and your journeys will be more mundane. It's a reversal.


That's fine by me. I feel like God is taking care of me. I don't want to be stressed out. Tonight is my night off because her dad picks her up from school, and I'm gonna bake and watch movies and do laundry. I'm not saying that I don't want to start a new relationship or anything, I'm just saying that, like... I just want it to be on the up-and-up. Like, I don't want to sneak around or wonder. Definitely no tinder. Just text me and come over and watch TV and eat the things I bake if you want. I need help reaching high up on the wall to hang up my tapestry. I'm gonna paint two pieces of furniture before winter. Be trustworthy and eventually become friends with my kid. Don't stare at my house from across the street because that was a scary dream. Decide if you want to cross the bridge and enter my reality. I'm so tired of traversing the astral. God saw it was draining me and told me to rest. My home is cozy and safe. Only those beings with love and good intentions in their hearts may enter therein. Jesus is my guide, so check in with him at the door and he'll give you a healing before he lets you in. Everybody gotta go through him to get to me.


And no feckin way am I handing over the boy baby to those evil beings. Pssh. As if.


Last night when I went to sleep, it was about one in the morning. I found myself really missing Austin a lot. I felt like crying but don't want to always cry so easily. Then I thought, like, honestly who cares, if I want to cry, I'll cry. And I really did, like, kind of a lot. Images of Austin floated through my mind one at a time. There's also a sense that I wasted so much of my time there being unhappy and weighed down in a relationship I had no business being in, I could have enjoyed it so much more. But there's no point in thinking like that anymore, what's done is done and I'm free now.


The final image was the picture I took of the sunrise at the caverns of Sonoras with some of the gals from my women's circle. I was looking at it in my mind and remembering the nopal cacti that grew there. And I thought, maybe someday I'll get a tattoo of a nopal in full bloom. I was thinking of it in detail when suddenly a wild hare appeared next to it. He looked me right in the eye, the way they do, and said, "Hey. It's okay. It's going to be okay. Really. It is. It's going to be okay." He turned to go. I wondered if I should write down what he said, or if I would remember it. He looked back at me, "I have to go look at the moon. Write it down. It's going to be okay. Write it down. Note the time. Write it down." So I did. It was about one.


Then I went to sleep and had a nightmare. A man was standing outside across the street, staring in my window. A pregnant woman lived in my apartment and got scared and I said, "Don't worry, he's staring at me not you." She said,"I've never seen anybody with so much hatred in his eyes. Aren't you afraid that he's out there with so much hate in his eyes for you?" It was raining hard in the dream and in real life. I asked my dad to go outside and check the perimeter. The police were called. I went outside and saw a young guy who looked like a "run-of-the-mill, average young guy." He had changed his appearance and was walking away. He had a backpack on. I confronted him and he tried to punch me. The police were coming. I held onto him. He tried to gouge me in the eye. 


I woke up really terrified. It was about quarter to three. My curtains don't provide enough privacy and I decided I'm going to hang up the light blocking ones too so I can close them at night. I hate feeling exposed like that.


My next dream was a blur, but in the end I was holding a baby boy, and some people were trying to take him away from me. I don't remember what they looked like, but somehow I knew they were evil. They were reaching for him, saying like, "Give him to us for just a minute." But there were also some good people between me and them saying, "Don't give up the child! Don't give up the child!"I didn't know what to do. The bad people had their hands on the baby boy, but I was still holding on. They were trying to confuse me. They mix lies with the truth. The good people were still saying, "Don't give up the child!" when I woke up.


So yeah, that was disturbing.


I'm in this place where like, I'm really tired and I don't know what to do. I'm tired of searching. Sometimes I'm even tired of praying. (But I still do.) I'm tired of trying to figure out clues and signs and games. I'm tired of having to protect myself from others. I decided to stop allowing my ex to come to my house for a while because I need a break from sticky energy. I just bring the girl to his house and pick her up again. Even though I have a tapestry I need help to hang on the wall above my TV, I'm not going to ask him in to help me. I'll just wait until a tall person comes over at some point and do it then. That's how committed I am to maintaining that boundary. I just don't want his eyes on my life. No interference of any kind is allowed to mess with me and what I want to do. So my apartment is my sanctuary, and the only people who are ever there these days are me, the girl, and occasionally my friend Margrét who comes over.


The other day I had a reiki session and every time I thought maybe I'd reach out and text an old friend, my friend the reiki healer said, "I don't know what this means but Jesus is saying to rest your hands." (Jesus shows up at reiki sessions a lot, even if the healer and client don't believe in him. He still likes to help.) We always close with a journey, and in it I was shown just simple images of real life, and that was it. I was like, umm what? Because normally my journeys are kind of a lot. But they said, now your everyday life will be like a journey, and your journeys will be more mundane. It's a reversal.


That's fine by me. I feel like God is taking care of me. I don't want to be stressed out. Tonight is my night off because her dad picks her up from school, and I'm gonna bake and watch movies and do laundry. I'm not saying that I don't want to start a new relationship or anything, I'm just saying that, like... I just want it to be on the up-and-up. Like, I don't want to sneak around or wonder. Definitely no tinder. Just text me and come over and watch TV and eat the things I bake if you want. I need help reaching high up on the wall to hang up my tapestry. I'm gonna paint two pieces of furniture before winter. Be trustworthy and eventually become friends with my kid. Don't stare at my house from across the street because that was a scary dream. Decide if you want to cross the bridge and enter my reality. I'm so tired of traversing the astral. God saw it was draining me and told me to rest. My home is cozy and safe. Only those beings with love and good intentions in their hearts may enter therein. Jesus is my guide, so check in with him at the door and he'll give you a healing before he lets you in. Everybody gotta go through him to get to me.


And no feckin way am I handing over the boy baby to those evil beings. Pssh. As if.








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