This is hard.

So, my ex is now flying here on Monday. We're NOT going to have to stay under the same roof, and I do want some help with parenting, so that's the bright side. The downside is that now we're losing money because of the cost is getting him here, putting him up in a hotel in Texas, and the disruption in wages from him leaving one job and starting another. The major disruption is that we might not have the money to get our belongings when they arrive on the ship, and might not until late August or early September.

If it was just me I had to worry about, that would be fine. But I'm trying to help my daughter through this monumental life change, and she's been looking forward to having her own bed, her toys, our TV, the comforts of home, around her. I've been promising that they would get here soon and that we would get our apartment all set up and comfy really soon. Now I can't promise that anymore. The ex can't stand being away from her and I get that, but I also can't help but feel like he should sacrifice his own comfort to make sure that she's okay before he is. He asked me to trust him that this was the right choice, him getting here WAY ahead of schedule, and then he fell through. Again. I am so tired of financial emergencies. Every time I think we're okay, I get a "Whoops, I thought everything was fine but it's not." I made a huge mistake ten years ago and I'm still paying for it. When will I be free from the chaos? *deep breath* Soon. Very soon. Maybe even sooner than I think.

The only one I can rely on is the one above. So I asked for help for her sake. I've already experienced many miracles. Staying safe from the virus so far (two negative tests since arriving so that's a relief). Getting here in the first place. Help from the in-laws. Finding the apartment. 

Now I have to find a way to get us moved in to our new place with nothing but suitcases. I gotta try to find a mattress we can both fit in and make sleeping on the floor seem like a camping trip. I joined this facebook group that advertises free stuff. I'm going to go to the local Good Will type store and see if I can find a couch and some cookware (all my kitchen stuff is on the ship) and maybe a rug. And I need to get a bus pass because I won't have the rental car after a day or two. And I have to do it all with a smile on my face and try to make it fun for her so she doesn't feel stressed. 

But at least we found an apartment, and it's close to everything and the people who own it are super nice. And one day we'll have our stuff and hopefully Pixie and the pictures on the wall and everything will be cozy. This is only temporary. Most people in the world are a hell of a lot worse off. I can make it fun for her. She can remember it like we were playing an adventure game, or pretending to be old timey gypsies. We can make the living room a dance floor and play music a lot. We can decorate the walls with pictures we draw. I'll get us season passes to the zoo and we'll go on all the rides and pet the bunnies. I have to trust that all the good stuff is on its way, that Great Spirit is working behind the scenes.

I can't wait to bake some bread. 

And I want it to look like this.


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