First night without my baby

It's different from taking a trip for a couple of days. She's only ten minutes away but it feels like I'm all the way back in Texas, or further, even.

I do need a break and I do want her to have time with her dad. But it's hard for a mamma and her baby to be apart. Especially overnight. Her little toys all around get on my nerves when they're scattered all over the house, but now they bring tears to my eyes.

It's different because now there will be many nights that she's not at my house. And I definitely don't want her dad to live with us (or even too close by). I mean it's nice to see them together because she was missing him so much, and I got some help with a couple of things that needed to be done in the apartment. But it was uncomfortable being under the same roof again, so I know that's not the problem.

I don't want her to feel sad, and this is the way it's going to be a lot now. And it's because of me and the choices I made. I never meant to hurt anybody. It just seems like any choice caused pain. I hope she doesn't resent me for this as she grows up.

This song makes me feel a little better. Or at least like I'm not crying alone. It's on repeat with a glass of pink wine and the neighbors will just have to deal. I've got a black ancient bathtub again and it's about to get broken in for sure.

My friend Donna calls everyone in circle "dear heart," but sometimes she calls me "wild heart," and it makes me want to get it tattooed on me somewhere.

The other day I was pulling some tarot cards and three times in a row I got the four of fire (wands), symbolized by elderberries (a favorite of faeries) in this herbalism/curandera deck that a dear friend gifted me before I left Tejas. It speaks of a joyous event, but this deck also talked about doing some magic. 

I kept thinking like, I don't need to do magic because the Creator provides everything I ask for in the perfect time and in the perfect way. 

But now listening to Stevie... I understand what it meant. 

It's not about getting stuff or manipulating the forces of life. It's just about my own magic. Even as I type this, as the tears on my cheeks start to evaporate and I feel the little salt trails on my skin... for some reason they make me think of Sedona...  I feel it starting to swirl up inside again. And I remember that there's a circle tonight that I can stay up late for... 

It's still early but I'm gonna run the tub. We're gonna be all right. She takes after me, and my tribe survives. 


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