blue for the, black for the.

Last night at circle we had a shorter journey because the talk ran over. I fell asleep for most of the talk, I was really tired. But I won't be able to go back for two more weeks because of my friend coming to town and then the play, so I wanted to see my ladies and have some time on the astral.

The lady giving the talk that night gave us these little sachets with herbs that promote vivid dreams in them and a little piece of sodalite, which supposedly does the same thing, so I put both on my heart chakra before going into the journey, and it was very vivid. I think it's the mugwort, that shit'll do it. 

In my journey my wolf guide and I went back to my old apartment in Portland. I was looking for something I had left there, he was helping me. Those herbs really did the trick, it was so cool seeing this huge-ass wolf sniffing through the kitchen cabinets. 

It's just that I've been going back there in my mind so much lately, I was feeling like, why am I always back here? I was sad here, I was depressed, I was so lonely that sometimes it physically hurt. Why would I keep returning?

So Wolf and I were searching the place, and finally we checked the bathroom. I used to spend so much time in the bathroom because it was the furthest away spot from the baby's crib, so I wouldn't wake her. At night I'd sit in there listening to music, taking long showers or baths, read, write, play with my makeup, junk like that. Wolf and I got into the bathroom, and there I found all these gold hearts, like they were made out of thin gold leaf, with little love notes written on them, stuck here and there. There was one on the window, one on the mirror, a big one on the door, a couple more here and there. I started peeling them off, reading the note, and then I'd stick them on my heart, or eat one, Wolf ate a couple then told me not to worry because he'd just eat me later so we'd all end up in the same soup ("dismemberment" journeys like that are scary the first time but actually so healing and revitalizing once you get used to them). 

Then Wolf grew really big and shrank me down a little bit and put me up on his back and walked me out into the backyard. Someone was there, I think they might have left the hearts, or maybe I did, or maybe both. Anyway, I'm gonna leave the story off there. 

Who's a good boy?

The journey got cut short before Wolf could devour me or I could finish doing the work, so I'll have to go back soon and finish it. But one of the questions I asked myself was, why am I having such a hard time manifesting love in my physical here-and-now when it seems like it's really possible and just kind of hanging there in the balance, waiting to drop into the physical world? My mind flashed to my daughter. I get so messed up by love when it goes wrong. I was so unbelievably depressed the first couple years of her life. Then most of 2019 was an unrelenting clusterfuck. I wasn't fully present for so much of the time. She is the most consistent source of joy in my life, and I was always smiling at her with sad eyes. And she's a psychic child, she looks right through you. I could always tell when she was worried about me. She could feel it when something was off. And then when I was fully there with her and my eyes had light in them again, she smiled and shone so brightly, so suddenly that it broke my heart. You can't hide from your children. 

I don't want to be the kind of mom who has a lot of boyfriends, or who like, moves in with a guy who then turns out to be someone who hits or screams or worse. I'm so scared of that. I'm so afraid of messing her up, because she's perfect the way she is. 

But, I think that being aware of that, and being so conscious of it, means that I won't allow her to be harmed. I know I would never choose anyone else over her, so if god forbid a bad guy slipped through, I know I'd rectify the situation immediately. 

I almost never fall for anyone, anyway, so in all likelihood none of this matters. 

It kind of feels like love keeps coming and going. What is that about? Is it trying to prove that it's real? Because of how it's noticeably absent when it's gone (I hate that feeling), then lighting every part up when it returns (what a rush). Sometimes I want to ask love, why do you push me away? 

I know why I do it. It's a fear that it's all gonna turn out to be a lie. So my heart goes into hiding, going, "Watch, it's too good to be true. Their mind will change. They'll freak out. They're gonna go away. What are you, crazy? It's not safe to come out." 

I get the hiding, but I don't really understand the pushing as much. I guess it amounts to the same thing, so I suppose I do understand it. But I don't really like the feeling that maybe things are being projected onto me? But then I think I do that too? 

Like, I hope that love would never think that I'm like, laughing about it. I hope that it would never think that I didn't value it or have a real reverence for it. That I didn't take it seriously. Because I'm not that way. But I often assume that other people are. It's like, being scared that the other person is laughing at you or toying with your emotions. That's a terrible feeling. But I don't do that. I've never felt that way about my love. I would never do something like that. 

But I understand the distrust, because sometimes I feel like we're living in a den of vipers. You think you've found the only loyal group of friends out there, got a real "band of brothers" or sisters thing going on? Let me tell you something, there's one thing that being a woman who does not cheat will teach you... That for most people in this world, there is zero loyalty, especially if you can't get caught. 

If you've ever had a suspicion that your significant other and your friend hooked up because they had the opportunity and there's no way to prove otherwise, guess what. Your gut instinct, your reptilian brain is talking to you and it's probably right. I can tell you something, I've caught just about every single close friend of every guy I've ever been with looking me up and down like I'm lamb chops, whether they were single or not. Recently, even. I'm not saying like, oh I'm so hot, they all check me out, that's not what I mean. It doesn't really matter what you look like, honestly. My point is that they all do it. There is no loyalty in most people. 

Ask a woman who doesn't cheat (we're better tuned in to subtle body language since the caveman days, trust us). We'll tell you! They all try. Sometimes they come right out and ask you. Or they put that vibe out there and see if you'll bite. If you don't, often they lie and tell people you did, or that you're into it so you probably would (shout-out to my college years, ugh, what a nightmare that bullshit was), or they talk shit about you in other ways, if they're jerks. It's because they want what they can't have and it pisses them off. The rare individuals who do know how to be loyal, who never looked at me like that, are genuine beings of light. They're capable of love. Not saying there was never chemistry, but it was a different kind. It wasn't gross. It was more along the lines of love. It just feels different. Women know what I'm talking about. Y'all men are about as subtle as a box of hammers, you think we ain't gonna catch you looking but we always do. 

You've got to find yourself a woman who loves you for you. Someone who is loyal because she wants to be, not because she just can't find anyone she deems to be "better" who'll touch her with a ten-foot pole. Find someone who isn't just looking to use people and drop them when they got what they wanted. So many people out there are like that, and it's really depressing. But not everyone.

I feel like there are people who are made of light and people who are on the darker side. And then a whole bunch of people in between who are barely even conscious. (Who even knows what they're up to, am I right?) But sometimes I think that a person of light gets hurt a lot and decides to go the dark route because maybe a part of them feels like it's safer to shoot first and ask questions later? To get them before they get you. To just kind of like, get yours and hope to die young. Or they just think that the light doesn't want them or that it abandoned them. I can certainly relate to that. And then you're sort of out there wandering on your own, and you know what happens? Just like my old friend used to say, when you shine pretty bright, the darkness finds you. Especially if you talk about it a lot, it likes that, that gives it strength. And it seeks you out and you think you're in control, but it ends up making you its puppet. It's confusing and scary and you barely know which way is up. 

But you're not made of darkness, no matter how much you might wish you were. And you're not about to die. You're a being of light, and you've got a life to fully live. But I think it's safe to say that you're surrounded by a lot of darkness. So it's only natural to be suspicious and afraid. When I even just look at it with my third eye, it makes me queasy. I wanna get you out of there, but I can't. It's not my place to do so. 

It's so hard to find someone to love. I only ever have, like, once or twice. Who loved me back, anyway. Well, who loved me back the way I love them probably just once. 

If my love wants me to go away, I will. But I just wanted to clear things up that I'm a good person and I would never hurt anyone I loved. I would never torment them or toy with them. I might hide a little once in a while but I'll always come back, rest assured I'm always fighting to the whole time. Sometimes there's static on the line. I think the darkness can feel it when the light grows and it can't stand it, so it interferes. A couple of weeks ago after a night that felt so full of love, I opened my eyes and saw a person standing in the corner of my room all in black, looking at me. I ain't afraid of no demon-worshipping nutjob so I laughed in her face and sent her packing. 

Now that I'm in a different place on the inner, my outer world matches up better, too. I don't have tons of friends, but the ones I do have are good people. They're light people or almost. The ones who dabble (or more) in darkness go away. No animosity, in most cases, but just take their leave. And when love is in my heart it's even better, everything flows and all these crazy coincidences happen. It's such a real thing, the difference when it's there or when it's gone. It's amazing. 

I would never hurt anyone in my soul tribe. I got a total of four alive, including my child, who are so much a part of my heart that they hear my soul calling to them from thousands of miles away, and I hear theirs, and we answer each other. We check on each other to say things like, are you okay? I love you. Stay alive. A person like you shouldn't feel down. Be careful. I'm right here. Please stay here on Earth with me. And, no matter what it takes, how long we have to save up, work on ourselves, pray, wait, I'll always believe that we'll be together again and the timing will be so perfect, it will all make sense, and it will all have been worth it. 

Nothing will ever change that. If it could, it would have by now. 

Don't you know that?


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