So I had a reading with the incomparable Heather MacKay. I dragged my feet because I knew she was the only one who could pry open the boarded up cellar door and reconnect me to my heart. And I didn't want that because that means being available to experience pain.
I didn't dream for weeks, but I had a dream last night. A strange man I didn't trust, who kept trying to hurt me in the name of love, and his wife and kids. They sat around the kitchen table mocking others and being mean. I finally decided to get up and leave. The only good thing was that he said to me, "You're not a psychic, you're a healer." And I saw a tiny worm/snake/bug thing on the ground, and touched it, and it grew and kind of came to life and crawled away.
If two people receive a gift of light, and both simultaneously get so afraid that it will go away, or that they'll be betrayed, that they jump to a frequency where that's exactly what happens... You could look at it as a tragedy, or as a testament to their power to manifest. If the thing that comes between them is something so huge that it can't be denied or ignored... Maybe that's a testament to how great and true their gift was. That only something so great and true itself could break it apart.
If that "obstacle" is the one thing in the human experience that obliterates a part of your ego so completely that you're forever changed... Then maybe that's what needed to happen. Maybe one needed to grow in that way so they could love the other better. And maybe the pain would lead the other one to grow, too, to learn to live in such a way that they can love themselves and someone else more completely. Maybe later they will come back together, when they're both ready to receive that gift they glimpsed. Maybe not, but sometimes it can be nice to believe.
I need to be a hermit for a little while. I need to get back to myself. As Heather told me, spirit doesn't care about form or timelines, only content. Or as spirit once told me, when I asked when would I get something that I wanted, "It's not a question of when, it's a question of light."
I have to break the spell that I'm unworthy. That I'm always the one who loses love, the one who's always alone, the one who never quite gets to have the whole package all at the same time. To release the need to judge myself. As Heather told me, to be born a Virgo with a Pisces moon into this crazy realm/hologram where we're all pretending to be separate from each other, and that fear is real, and that we're all anything other than love... It's a hard road. It's lonely. It's painful. In more ways than one. But it's also beautiful.
But I have to change the script, I have to jump to a different thread. I have to finish this lesson and find the new thought, the new way of living, that will change my reality and release me from this pattern of accepting less than what I truly am worth. And release the judgment of myself and others.
She told me that she had a vision of a nightingale before she did my reading, and that she was told to tell me to look them up and discover what they mean, and that it's a direct match for my spirit in this lifetime and on this frequency. I haven't done it yet. I wanted to write this first.
I'm not meant to be dead inside. Even if it's painful, I was born to be alive.