Just Keep Swimming
So, my tarot reading was mostly depressing as far as what the predictions and reflection of my current state in and of themselves. Disappointment and betrayal in love: current, past, and with more on the way (apparently, for me, the Lovers card basically means bad stuff)! Financial instability and insecurity on the way! Loneliness and solitude! Needing to be strong! The outcome being like, I'll be ALMOST better by the time this lesson is done. But that I possess the magic I need to change and survive.
However, at least I'm aware of it. I am forewarned. So that's not nothing.
I do believe that I will be all right. I think that if I love someone and they love me back, they will tell me. That's really all I'd want. To hear it from them directly so I could know it. That's what I would do for them. Otherwise, it would just feel like I was being strung along. It really is that simple, and I do not understand why people seem to find it scary.
I've come to the point in my life where I feel like, I show up and live, I love the people I love, and I let them know it. If they don't want to join me in my life, that's on them. If they're too scared, that's their problem. If they want to live life on their own terms, but those terms don't work for me, also not my problem.
I've had a rough few years, but none were worse than this one. I'm honestly shocked that I survived to see December. If it weren't for my daughter, I might not have. I finally decided to take medicine to help me go one day without thinking about dying as an escape from the pain of being alive. (Or, on a good week, up to three days at a time.) I put in calls to doctors, but the American health care system being what it is, I still haven't heard back from any of them. So I am trying some really great supplements that studies show work just as well as prescription antidepressants.
So far, they're working. (knock on wood)
I need them to give myself more of an even playing field in my daily life, so that when that damn Lovers card comes to fuck me over some more, or that money loss one needs me to think on my feet and figure out my next move, I'm not already at the bottom of a pit just trying to keep breathing in and out.
A good friend who I look up to talked to me about her decision to try medication. I was in a really bad way. I said that I would try something because I don't want to drag my daughter down with me. She said yes, but that I'm worth getting better for, too. I needed to hear that, it helped a lot.
I'm worth living for. I don't need someone else to love me in order to be worthy of my life. I accept the love that comes to me in all its forms. I know that one day I will get the kind of love that I want most of all: the kind that connects two people across the miles. Where I think of a groovy song out of nowhere and a few days later find out they were singing it, too. Where it feels like everything else led up to the moment when you both knew. All that, plus the courage to rise up and claim it. I'm doing my work so I'll be ready, and alive (if I have anything to say about it) when that happens.
Every step in our journey, individual and collective, is part of getting us there. It had to happen this way. The love is still there. I need to get stronger, too. All is not lost. Nothing is lost.
And we're all in this together.
But I am saying goodbye to a love that isn't love anymore. It's an illusion, and a toxic one at that. May you find what you're looking for, but you're not getting it from me.