At All Costs

I'm still processing a lot after the funeral. It's different from my usual way. More images, fewer words. It's harder to assign meaning to the images, the feelings. Truthfully, I feel a bit too tired to disguise them in metaphor. I prefer, this time, to remain esoteric, to confess the ethereal. Ether + Real. My astrological chart is mostly water, but I've got that one single piece of earth, my sun in virgo. So I find I need to measure the flow, to describe what I see and disseminate it. Whether anyone reads this is not my problem. I just write it down when I get the sense that that's what's being asked of me. 

Earth is a realm where things are finite. Physical life is finite. Opportunities are finite. It's a difficult lesson to learn. I've often allowed myself to be governed by fear, and, perhaps worse, to allow others to convince me to follow their fear when I myself was unafraid. I quit things I didn't want to quit because it would have been difficult to finish them. Not impossible, but difficult. I let myself believe that those opportunities would stick around, or come back at a more convenient time. But they didn't. Life changes, and then you can't go back and pick up where you left off. The opportunity is gone forever. Some people have a personality that fears change, and so they have a modus operandi of resisting it until the opportunity fades. They count on the fact that it will go away and then they will no longer have a choice. Like, letting deadlines come and go over and over again, that sort of thing. It took me several years to learn that about certain people in my life. That if I wanted change, I'd have to do it on my own or I would continue to lose chances, until one day there wouldn't be any left. 

It's the nature of light to shine, just as it's the nature of God to bestow. I'm more of a mystic, not a theologian. I don't have answers. Like, at all. And I sound like a valley girl when I talk, so even if I did have answers, I doubt anyone would listen to them from my mouth. What I mean by answers is, when people say, "Oh yeah? Then why is there suffering?" I have no idea. But I believe that God is more love than power, and if we suffer, they suffer with us. There's chaos and evil here on Earth, too, and it really blows. That's all I got, and I don't always buy it myself.  

But I have learned, from various sources (there are many lanterns), that God is love/light, and the constant bestowal thereof. We get  gifts. And we get angels. They're innumerable. Gifts and angels come from the light, they shine. It's their nature. We might spit on them, laugh at them, run from them, betray them. Each time we come back, we make up a story about why we did what we did. They stay. They continue to shine. It's what they do. We might start to think, because it's our nature, "Oh, this gift isn't very clever. I can do anything and look, it just sits there, shining. Ha! This is great. I'll go do whatever I want, and I'll come back and just say sorry, and it will still be there." But the gift knows what we're doing. It's not stupid, it's just choosing to forgive us, over and over again, out of love. Because that's what it's made of. 

Is the gift itself finite? No. But I think maybe if we push the gift away too much, after a while, God comes along and says, "I see that this person is not willing to receive you. I found you another place, let's move you over here." And the chess pieces get moved around on the board, so that the gift, the light, can make it to earth, where it's needed. It's not for us to know how. We're too little in this form. I'm just guessing with my own little mind anyway.

I have this vision, it's almost psychedelic, in fact it would make a very cool blacklight poster, now that I think about it. It's the shapes of people, kind of purple in color, all facing a giant sun so white it's almost blue. It's the life-giver. I was listening to a weird mixture of a few songs by Live and The Doors, so I think that's why my mind has been so trippy lately. It's giving me nice visions. I think if I live to be 60, I'll get a tattoo of a woman riding a snake for my birthday that year. It could wrap around my hips. It will look cool next to my other ones.

I was thinking that it would be so nice to go to a place like Joshua Tree with a couple of friends and take some plant medicine and just heal through the night and into the dawn. I know exactly who I'd bring with me. Two of my women friends, they're both Pisces, like my moon. One is a teacher, one delivers babies, two things I love. Very oceanic, nurturing, piscean, to be at the threshold of life, like a welcome or a guidepost for the children coming to Earth. They know exactly what to do. We'd light a fire, take a good strong dose of the medicine, put on some music. If we were doing our jobs right, we'd end up dancing naked around the fire. Not to be salacious, but to be pure and free. We'd know when it was time to speak a lot and say everything, when it was time to dance, when it was time to be silent. When to laugh, when to cry, when to just breathe. The desert would be wide enough to contain us for one night. Then when the sun came up, we'd want to find a lake to walk into. It's the nature of water signs. I suppose the Salton Sea would do. And then the medicine would calm down and start to leave us, and we could go get breakfast and then drive a long, quiet drive back to wherever we came from.  

I used to despair very easily, but not anymore. Now, even when I'm really upset, I can close my eyes and feel this calm stillness underneath. Sometimes I even resent it. But eventually, it wins. And it pushes me up out of the darkness, until my head breaks the surface and I can breathe and see the sun. I don't belong down there. I'm not meant to listen to voices that exist to whisper cruelties and murder hope. I'm part of a different tribe. The light gave me life, it's got me now, and it won't let me go. I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I'm here to guide children, especially my own, who also happens to be a pisces and shines so bright she is downright blinding. I'm part of the tribe-within-the-tribe who ushers in and protects the little ones coming to Earth now (and their mothers, as a doula), so they don't get their own light frightened out of them, because we need them to be strong and whole if we're going to survive. My only job here is to love and to shine, at all costs.

"Seraphim" by Sandra Katharina


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