Jupiter and Venus appear close together in our evening sky. If you look where the sun was right after it sets, you might see them, side by side, almost holding hands.
But they're not close. In reality, they're very far apart. It's just an illusion.
My drum journeys, my visions, my dreams, were like them. Illusions.
I'm not going to journey anymore. I'm not going to do tarot. I'm not going to write down my dreams. They were lies.
A person like me, with a lot of life force, a lot of love to give, a lot of light (I don't care if I sound arrogant, it's not like I'm saying I'm the only one)... People see what you've got, and they mess you around. They come like black holes and swallow all your light.
Sometimes you let them.
I'm never going back to that again. I'm never going to get manipulated from the inside. My inner world opened up only to get planted with lies. Once was more than enough.
I'm sealing it up. I might stop by from time to time. Maybe hang out with my favorite Irish goddess, just to watch her work and chat, or get a hug from my animal friends, but I'm not asking any questions or setting an intent.
I'm going to become a teacher, live here one more year, then pack up the girl, and the dog, and our new little yellow bird, and go to a new country. Maybe Ireland. Maybe Germany. Maybe Hungary.
My Greek friend is my godmother. Almost nobody knows that. I got baptized in her church. The priest was a good man. It was unlike anything I'd ever experienced. Before they cover you with oil and pour water over your head, they bring you to the entrance of the church and do an exorcism. You renounce Satan. You claim Jesus. It's very intense.
He reads the prayers for that part and asks you the questions you have to answer really fast. I could feel why. Because it doesn't give the sneaky energy a chance to play tricks. I could feel it trying. He told any remaining spirits still hiding in my heart to leave. He said it three times. On the third one, I felt it happen physically. Dark stuff, and even someone I loved flew out of my heart, landed across the room. Later, when I was oily and soaking wet, wrapped in a towel, my godmother walking me around the altar, I glimpsed with my naked eye the one I loved watching me from the pews, looking confused.
I should have probably seen that if a prayer like that could kick them out, then they didn't have the best intentions. But I wanted to believe the best about them, so later I invited them back in.
Too stupid for words, honestly. How have I even survived this long? I often wonder.
When the priest poured the water, I was almost in a trance. The power he brought to everything he did, he was the real deal. He prayed over me and I saw granules of light, like heavenly sand, trickle gently down through the ceiling to the top of my head. La Griega's family was there, they were all crying. A woman who works at the church happened to peek in and stood in the back. Afterwards she came up to me with tears in her eyes and touched my hands. They were seeing what filled me, what had been put inside, in place of the darkness. I could feel it shining out. Reborn. It was a beautiful feeling.
Now I still have my guides, but you know who's never lied? Angels. So I'm hanging out with them. They know my baptismal name. You use it when you take communion and get married (if I ever do that again). It's always after a saint, then you get special protection from them. I picked a strong one who doesn't mess around, who speaks the truth.
I did one last journey for a while the other night at circle. I hung out with Wolf. She reminded me of this guy I was totally in love with in high school. The year we were in Oklahoma. He was kind of "the one that got away."
I was the new girl in October of 11th grade. I signed up for ceramics because of Patrick Swayze. On my first day the teacher introduced me to the class and sat me down at a table in the back. It was Tulsa, so the kids were all friendly and made me feel welcome.
Then this boy from another table walked over and pulled up a stool next to me. He started chatting with everybody. He wasn't particularly good-looking. Not bad either, but you wouldn't do a double take or anything.
He was so funny, by the end of class I was practically falling out of my seat. And he came back and sat next to me every day. The teacher used to yell at me for laughing too loud and threaten to make him go back to his seat, but she never did.
One day I looked over at him and him at me, and the twinkles in our eyes met and my heart skipped a beat. I used to see him sometimes walking around campus, but I never spoke to him except in class because I got too nervous. But occasionally he'd break his stride and walk me to my next class. Super cute American high school stuff.
I ended up pushing him away because I was just too scared to get what I wanted. And then we moved away that summer, and I never saw him again.
About ten years ago I found him on facebook, out of curiosity. He's doing well with a family of his own and I'm genuinely glad.
And I'm so glad I remembered him, because that's what I'm going to keep my eyes open for from now on. I'm not going to pour my love into a black hole. I'm not opening up to someone who can make me think we're one and it all turns out to be such a cruel lie.
I remember now that he wasn't really tall, or hot, or the leader of the pack. He was cute and average height, super smart and creative, an artist, and he made me laugh. After a while I did find him hot, because of all the things he was. And in between jokes he'd tell me stories about his life, and before I knew it, I was telling stories about mine. Then later I'd be doing something at home or at my little high school part time job, and something he'd said would pop into my head and I'd crack up all over again.
Someone who comes to me. Who gives me something from within himself. A little gift of love and light. The way I do when I love someone. When he does that, I'll give mine back. And he won't know what hit him, because he'll get it all.
This time, I'll know it when I see it. I'll remember. It will be right in front of me, not in secret. It won't be an illusion. It'll be real. And I won't push it away. I'll never make that mistake again.