Um... Let's See. Murderers, New York City, and Puppies. Yep, that about covers it.
"There are two worlds. There's the world that you live in, and then there's the world that the bad guys live in." That's a line from an episode of Real Detective. I heard about it from the Podcast My Favorite Murder, which I love. I don't like true crime stories out of morbid fascination or getting off on other people's pain. I like using my brain trying to figure out whodunit and the satisfaction when they catch the gross sons of bitches who commit those heinous crimes. And I think it helps me to feel less crazy and paranoid about safety around the house and when I'm out walking and such. It's how my dad raised me. The same detective who said that about there being two worlds also said, presumably in response to a question asked by one of the producers, "I do believe in evil, yes."
My dad has said the same to me before.
I just don't think evil looks like what we think it looks like, or what we're told it looks like. I think in people, the ones who are monsters, it's emptiness plus arrogance. Like, a truly empty piece of shit who feels nothing unless they're hurting someone. There are varying shades and degrees of that, I'm sure.
Spiritually, I imagine it's a void, too. And it tries to suck you in to get you to match it. It can't abide light. It won't like, throw you in the back of a van and murder you, per se, but it will insidiously try to get you from the inside out. It's sneaky. It makes you think it's you. It makes you doubt yourself, hate yourself, fills you with fear and anger or makes you numb. Or makes you opt to be numb.
I had a nightmare once that I met the devil. It was in a charcoal grey hallway, like in a skyscraper type building. No windows. Smooth walls. They almost looked like stainless steel. Harsh, cold lighting. Scandinavian interior designers would cream their jeans over it, if they wore jeans. People with souls would want to get the fuck out of there. There was a 90-degree corner, like one half of a crossroads, and a young man dressed all in white stood there. He had short, dark brown hair, cut kind of like a 90s pretty boy. You know what I mean? Not super short but about a week away from getting shaggy and needing a trim. Almost like the hair of a Greco-Roman statue, but not curly. As a matter of fact, everything about him looked like a 90s pretty boy. Like he was shooting an alt-rock-pop music video, only much more disturbing. I approached him (there was no place else to go). In his hand he held a little box, about the size of a jewelry box. He said something about being innocent, and not knowing what he does. He opened the box and I saw a tiny white set of antlers. I looked up at him, eyes wide with horror. He looked me in the eye, there was nothing behind them. I was frozen to the spot. He quietly said, "Run."
I ran faster than I'd ever managed to in a nightmare. (You know how usually in nightmares your legs won't go fast enough?) Faster than I'd ever run before, period. I ran past him down the hallway and did not look back, but could feel him watching me, until I woke up. And when I woke up, I was even more terrified.
So effed up, right? Like, how did my mind even conceive of that? I hadn't even seen The Matrix.
And no, that wasn't a metaphor for anyone or anything. It was an actual nightmare I had. I'm just telling the story, that's all.
On my trip to California, I danced in the sunlight and talked to the spirit world and one of my truest friends, and all three told me I was good. My friend actually came right out and said that it was talking to me, after several years of us having just benignly fallen out of touch, that got her back on the road to finding herself again when her life was crushing her spirit. Honestly, she did the same for me at the exact same time, I feel like we were brought together by something greater than ourselves and that gift isn't going anywhere. But I'm so incredibly humbled that she told me that, just while we were driving back from the beach or dinner or something. I'd love to go back for one more night, but no plans to do so yet.
My trip to New York was really fun at times, but something about the city just shorted my circuits. I couldn't feel my own heart. The neurotic energy, the constant noise, the crowded spaces... At the end of the night I sat on the subway, closed my eyes, and tried to feel my heart, but couldn't. I wondered if this is what it's like to not have any kind of psychic ability. It felt like my insides were padded with cotton. Like um... I can't explain it. Like my soul got sound-proofed.
It really sucked.
Then I went to Maryland, and I was able to decompress a little bit in the moments in nature. It was beautiful to be there, but I couldn't get more than a few minutes alone to try and tune back inside.
But I did get a really powerful healing while I was there. Not trying to be coy, but I'm not going to give details about it here, other than it was a conscious choice and planned. My Greek friend put me in touch with the healer. It ended up being so much more powerful than either of us anticipated. And now I feel a lot more safe.
I guess I'm beyond "trying not to sound crazy," on here. But I felt bad stuff leave me, and I've never felt that before, not like this. I had powerful visions, too, but this isn't the place to share them, for once. Now I feel like, really safe and cozy. Not like, crazy happy all the time or anything like that, but no longer out in a hurricane getting whipped around by every stray wind, or feeling like I have to work so hard to keep my space secure. And I got tuned in to my heart again. I just only connect to the higher-vibrating energy now. The love is stronger now. It's three-dimensional. Or I guess more dimensions than that. Four-dimensional? How many dimensions are there, anyway? Did they decide on a number yet?
Immediately after, it was like everything had been cleaned out. It felt like moving into a brand new apartment, with all white walls and great windows pouring in sunlight, but no furniture. Then only the furniture that matters most dropped in, piece by piece. My daughter was the first to drop back in. I was away from her for four days, and it was too long for both of us. I called her on the video phone. She chatted with me a bit, then I looked at her and wanted so badly to reach out and hold her. I just wanted to be there with her again. But I knew she was too far away, and my flight wasn't until the next afternoon. I felt so aware of the physical distance, my inner mammal worried that maybe I wouldn't get to her and she'd be without her mommy, god forbid. My eyes teared up. Just then she said, "Mamma, I miss you," and started to cry. We both sobbed. It broke my heart. I felt so guilty that I left her without me and felt really selfish. I was so worried like, if anything should happen to me, spit spit... That's my baby. I don't want her to be without me. It would hurt her.
The best part of being a parent is the love you feel. But the worst part is also the love you feel. Because it makes you terrified by the thought of them in pain. Ugh.
When I got home she and I ran towards each other in the airport like we were in a movie. We went out for dinner and she kept squeezing me so tight and screeching, "I missed my sweetie mommyyyyyyy!" It was the best.
I feel a lot stronger now. Not in a mean way. In a peaceful way. Like, I used to see that something challenging was coming up astrologically and be like, oh fuck. Now, I'm just like, huh, that's interesting.
A friend invited me to help do a house clearing on her new place. Normally, I'd be all over that, sounds like a fun way to spend an afternoon, but this time I said no. I don't want to invite any weird vibes to cling to me by walking into a space I know nothing about and inviting it to interact with me. Also, my inner guidance told me not this time.
Moments when I feel like, wow, I have no money and no freedom to do what I want, this sucks... They would normally really get me down. And other shifts in the energy that would upset me... These things still affect me, I still get upset from time to time. But underneath it all is this cozy safe feeling. It keeps saying, "Just trust me. You are safe. You are not alone. I've got you. Everything is going to be all right." (I know this is the same message that I always get from mushrooms, but I'm not on anything, I swear.)
I just keep focusing on the light. Sometimes I can sense the presence of angels. They feel so gentle, that's how you know. I went to a nursery to buy plants the other day and nearly floated away, but that's also because flowers and trees have gentle energy, too. I guess they and angels all hang out. I mean I can only assume, I don't really know, I didn't ask if this was a regular thing they do. I just know it felt like heaven, like I could breathe easy for a minute, just to walk softly between all the rows and kind of pass my hands through the air near them, lightly.
And when I feel icky energy... I feel people give me the bad eye, I feel negative attention, I feel energy that tries to intimidate, energy that tries to undermine, energy that tries to make me feel crazy or stupid. It tries to throw me off my truth, it tries to push me down into the darkness, it tries to make me numb, it tries to scramble the signal, it tries to tear beautiful things asunder. But it fails. It gets so mad that it makes me laugh. Not trying to be rude, but it really is funny sometimes. It fails.
I feel like this baby chick. Is this not the cutest meme, you guys...
|I can only come out and play with love, not with all the rest of y'all tryin' to fuck shit up. And there's room under here for my soul tribe, so don't act like you gonna mess with my people and get away with it, either.|
I got a life raft thrown to me. Another one. It's amazing how when you ask for one, you get it. It's amazing how when you reach a certain vibration, like the vibration of, "I'm going to stay alive and swim back to shore," you get miracles. It's amazing how when you decide, "You know what, darkness, I've seriously had more than enough of your tired-ass bullshit and I'm sticking with the light," the light cozies you up to its plump mama chicken body and goes, "Okay just tell the darkness that I said you can't go play."
A friend of mine paraphrased some inspirational quote to me the other day. She said, "When you finally start to be yourself, some people will project the worst of themselves onto you and say that's what you are. The thief will call you a thief, the lunatic will call you a lunatic, the liar will call you a liar."
Don't let anyone convince you that you're crazy and stupid just because you're finally shining your light and they can't fucking stand it. It's not you, it's them. Let them go ahead and run their mouths about you if they want to. But don't take them seriously. Don't cling to them. Maybe their hearts are wrapped in cotton and they actually like it that way. But yours is alive. And it's filled with light. Shine it out.
Although, sometimes we choose to take one more trip through the underworld in order to come out stronger. Nothing wrong with that. Just make sure you remember to come back out when you're ready. Bring a magazine. And earplugs. Don't let them convince you to stay down there too long. We've got puppies up here. Do they have puppies? Not like these, they don't. Look at this shit, come on:
|Look at that Corgi puppy butt. There are about to be so many corgis.|
|This one weirdly reminds me of Joe Rogan.|
|Stop it! I can't! Omggggggggggg! I want so many puppies, you guys.|
|Look at it! Look at its little paws! Look at its ears! Corgis are the fairies of the dog world.|
|This one looks like a tiny prince! But a prince who's not classist and inbred. An actual cute little baby prince puppy who's doing his best.|
|Wookit dat face!|
|Stop it! It knows what it's doing! I can't!|
|A friggin pile of golden retriever puppies. Be cool, say you're going out for some air, and start the car. I'm going to grab as many as I can carry and make a run for it. Go! Go! Go!|