The Times, They Are A-Changing

Boy, it didn't take long for vacation vibes to get taken over by multi-tasking stress vibes, did it? I passed the first teaching exam I need to get certified, and now I have a shit-ton to do as quickly as possible, because on just one salary money is tight. I've got to take one more test and do classroom observation hours and finish up some coursework and junk before I can start applying for jobs. Also, just being back at home is kind of weirdly stressful. I'm happy to be back home with my daughter, but after hanging out with my friend and her son all weekend, I realize that living with my ex is kind of starting to not feel super... necessary? Any more? (Trying to say it in as nice a way as possible.) I like him as a friend and it's awesome to have the help with child care, but after she goes to bed I'm like, okay, that's enough. Like, as soon as I got on the plane to go on my trip, everything just let go and I could breathe. I got back late Sunday night and by Tuesday evening I was wound up again. So today I'm kind of stressed out, but it's okay, it's just one or two little days out of a lifetime, it'll be all right. 

Rewinding to my birthday, it was nice. The actual day fell on the first Wednesday of the month, so I went to circle (they have it Fridays and the first and third Wednesdays). When I walked in they were like, "What are you doing here? It's your birthday!" and I was like, "Uhh, what are you talking about, where else would I be? It's my birthday!" They sang happy birthday to me at the end, and one of the girls who's a singer made everybody start on the same note and it sounded awesome. They all looked so pretty smiling and singing in a circle. 

The best part was that it was Crone healing drumming night that night. I hadn't realized it, I just showed up because I wanted to be there, then I saw what was going on and was like YEEESSSSSSSSS! So Crone Council is this off-shoot of the women's circle for menopausal or post-menopausal women to get together and connect over things that are unique to that time of life. And they started doing this thing every once in a while where one or two people at a time go sit in the middle of the circle and share something they want some healing or help with (although you don't have to share if you don't want to but I always do because I'm a talker, and frankly, at this point if I don't share they worry, haha). Then the Crones (it's typically two of them) walk around you and drum while the rest of the circle either sends reiki or just good vibes or takes mini journeys. When the Crones feel like you're "done" they stop and you can share again and people in the circle can share anything they felt or messages they might have for you. It really feels amazing. So I got to go first because it was my birthday, and my friend Noelle went in the middle with me, and I just talked about feeling like the energy had picked up and was gaining speed, and that things felt like they'd be moving fast so to help me not like, freak out, basically, and be able to roll with the changes well. As they drummed for me I got the message to just take each step as it comes and practice patience and calm in between each one, that things would work out even better than I imagined and that I was being held and supported every step of the way, so there was no need to be scared. 

As the rest of the people went up two by two, and a couple who went solo, I offered some reiki but also took a mini-journey for each one. Noelle was sat next to me and by the end we were laughing because every time a new pair went in the middle we were like, "Okay, this time I'm not going to mini-journey, I'm just going to give reiki," but the drums would start and we'd get sucked back in like, "Not again!" It was fun, though. I love the Crones. When they all wished me happy birthday, I said, "One year closer to being a Crone!" and they laughed and were like, "You're a spring chicken, enjoy it." 

Most of us sit on the floor and we have back-rests and yoga mats and blankets and pillows and we make ourselves little individual "nests." After the second or third round I stretched out to lie down in my nest because all the mini-journeys were taking it out of me and it was more cozy anyway. Noelle did, too, and plenty of others. Sometimes you just fall asleep, but I didn't this time. For the last one, I was curled up on my side like a tiny child listening to a bedtime story, watching the grandmothers' feet as they walked by. Their footsteps whispered on the wood floor. I felt safe. It was the perfect birthday for this year.

The last time we left Texas, I was six months pregnant and we had to move because I couldn't get any health insurance there. So we went to Washington where I was able to get insured, because we're still on this crazy system here in the States. I went to circle one last time before we left, and they all drummed for me at the end, which they do when someone moves away or has a birthday or some kind of special occasion. My friend Jen, who's also born on September 4th, sat next to me. I got teary-eyed as I told the group, "I can leave everything in Austin without a care. But leaving circle is the hardest part." Jen was pregnant too, two months behind me, we both had round bellies. She put her hand on my back for a moment after I said that. Feeling her warm hand pushed me over the edge and the tears fell. 

Those gals really mean so much to me. When I first started going in 2012, I never said anything or chatted with anyone, I just sat there, riddled with anxiety, but covered in goosebumps, knowing I was in the right place with the right people. I attended sporadically, then started going regularly. It's been transformative. I think it's a combination of the spiritual work we do and also just the group itself. We typically celebrate the neo-pagan holidays like Samhain and Beltane, Mabon is coming up next. And when we do, we kind of do things the Wiccan way, and we do a simple feast (it's like witchy communion) where each sister gives the one next to her a cinnamon cookie and some apple cider and says, "May you never hunger," and "May you never thirst." Nowadays whenever we do that, I feel so moved because my mind plays me a montage of simple feasts over the years, with these same women and also with new ones and ones that I don't see much anymore. I guess I might not stay in Austin forever, and the only thing that really bothers me about that, down in my soul, is the thought of not being with my soul sisters every week. Obviously, I would miss a shit-ton about being here if I were to leave, it's my favorite city besides Vienna, but that's the only one that would really get to me. 


So my trip to San Diego was great. Mostly we just talked and talked and talked. And played in the ocean and took some plant medicine. And by that I mean... we... ate... salad? Ehem. Yes, that's it. (We actually did eat salad because I love Souplantation and we don't have it in Austin.) But anyway. I want to eat salad more often. Not a huge one, or anything. Just a micro-salad, maybe once a month. I only had a small one on this trip and it really did me good. 

            This was our favorite song from our visit with the faeries. 

I was visiting one of my friends named Erin. (I have several Erins. It was a very popular name in the 80s.) She is getting divorced, too, and has one kid. She and her ex live apart already because they had the money for it and her child is older. The paperwork is a hassle and I can relate. But it was so amazing to sit and talk about everything we went through, because we kind of go through spurts of keeping in touch where we text a lot and then just get busy with daily life. So one day a few months ago I texted her and told her I was getting divorced and she responded with, "Haha, me too." So we finally got to sit down and compare notes. Except for some different personality quirks between our two exes, we went through almost the EXACT same thing. And by that I mean, like, as far as our journey through getting married, the different stages of realizing something was wrong, blaming society, blaming ourselves, trying really hard to make it work, multiple rounds of deciding to break up then trying again, guilt, deep dark depression, and finally figuring it out and deciding once and for all. It reminded me of why group therapy is a thing, because when you listen to someone else with the same problems as you, it can bring your own very sharply into focus. Like, seeing my friend look so alive and happy, and hearing her talk about the things she went through, I was like, "Oh my god, why did you wait so long to do this?!" Then I was like, "Ah. Physician, heal thyself. Gotcha." 

Anyway, so I no longer feel guilty for wanting to move on and live my life. I did the guilt thing, I'm over it. What am I supposed to do? Sit around living someone else's life forever? No, ma'am. Not gonna happen. I didn't do anything wrong. I have the right to be happy. And if anyone doesn't like it, they can go fuck themselves, pardon my French. 

And it felt good to travel. I did almost no traveling for six years, except for a couple of little trips to the east coast to see my parents, and it nearly killed me. Some people buy things, I prefer experiences. (Neither one is wrong.) So I'm excited for my New York trip coming up. Then my ex-mother-in-law is visiting, then my parents get here, then it's Halloween and my daughter is beside herself with excitement already. She spotted the Halloween decorations in the garage and is insisting that we hang them up now. I am right there with her, it's my favorite time of year, so once we get the string of bats untangled from the string of pumpkin lights it's happening. 

I'd like to take a trip in November. Maybe to Iceland for a few days.  I don't want six more years to go by between visits, and I feel bad that my daughter is already forgetting so much Icelandic. She probably won't come with me this time, but I can scout out places to stay and buy her some books and things. You can lose a language and a culture in one generation, and I thought it would be easier to keep up with speaking Icelandic to her and teaching her things. I also thought that her having one parent born and raised over there would be a virtual guarantee that we'd keep up with it, but it's harder than it looks. I can only speak like, conversational Icelandic, and with terrible grammar at that, and so I speak English with her dad and he speaks English back to me. On her first day of preschool, she spoke about 50/50 English/Icelandic, and I made sure to let her teachers know certain Icelandic words in case they couldn't figure out what she was saying. One year later, it's almost all gone. She understands some but answers in English. I can feel my great-grandparents looking down on me and shaking their heads with disapproval. 

I'm amazed that my mom was able to teach us as much as she did. Starting in first grade, I was telling my teachers (and entire class) that Christopher Columbus did NOT discover America, Leifur EirĂ­ksson did, and my dad always showed off our ability to switch between languages to anyone who would listen. But we also traveled over there a lot more often, sometimes more than once a year. I feel like I'm constantly meeting people who just got back from a trip to Iceland with like, amazing accommodations and everything, but I have no idea where they're finding these deals. I joined Next Vacay to see if they send any my way. They've already sent me deals to Beijing and Germany (holy temptation, Batman, I wanna go to the Christmas markets!!!!!) so maybe they'll come through. I'd love to stop in the Land in November and then like, sneak over to Germany or Austria to drink some gluhwein and see Christmas stuff and feel all warm and fuzzy inside and then go back, but that's probably too much money and too much time away from my offspring. I actually like hanging out with her, so it's hard to be away from her for long. But with my parents living in Texas she probably won't even notice I'm gone. 

They're going to be here for I think three months, then they want to divide their time between Europe in the summer and Florida (or another sunny state) in the winter. They were thinking about buying a place in Iceland, but it's so much more expensive compared to the rest of Europe that they decided against it. So I have a feeling that the vision/message I got that lots of changes are coming but by spring it will all have fallen into place is right. It's hard to put into words, but my fellow intuitive people will understand what I mean when I say that I feel the energies moving around and like just under the surface tons of stuff is going on. I only get to see one step at a time, but I feel it. 

It's all happening. 


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