Back to the Garden

It's only 89 degrees outside and it feels like a friggin miracle, you guys. I parked extra far from the coffee shop and walked through the cute neighborhood without sweating profusely. It was amazing. I was just thinking this morning and last night, like, okay, I think I'm finally done with summer. That's a wrap on August. Leos exit stage left. Thanks for the rhinestones and the big hair and the tan, but it's time for apples and evening walks and cool misty mornings again. "Two days to places, Virgo!" "Thank you, two days!" (My fellow theatre geeks are geeking out on the backstage lingo right along with me. I miss doing plays.)

I feel like I could be friends with everyone who lives in this neighborhood.

I'm so excited for September because, of course it's my birth month but also because I've got two trips to see two of my favorite friends and I'm just like, can't this thing go any faster? The thing being, like, I guess the rotation of the planet? I asked and Earth said no. Sigh. Fiiiine-uh. My friend in San Diego is my Pisces who filmed me dancing in the waves that time, and she's getting divorced and has one kid too. She told me I should move out there and we can start our hippie mom commune and I almost spit out my drink. Holy shinto, guys. That would be amazing. I'm getting myself a surfing lesson for my birthday.  I seriously don't know if I'm going to be able to do it because I'm not known for my upper body strength, so I feel like I won't be able to paddle hard enough to catch a wave. I'll probably have to beg the instructor to hold onto my board while I stand up and then push me towards the shore. Screw your integrity, Trevor, just help a sister out and push the damn board. I hope I see a dolphin. 

Then at the end of the month I'm going to New York, and my friend Karin has agreed to join me on a pilgrimage to... the original site of Woodstock. [insert Beatlemania-level teenage girl screaming here] I'm finally going to see it and I can't friggin' wait! I feel like once I get there, everything's going to be all right. I'm giving you a 100% ironclad crying guarantee. Or maybe just maniacal giggling. It depends on how much candy I eat on the way there. I'm also going in the pond. It's happening. I'll baptize myself in the name of Woodstock. Don't try to stop me. 

Then she said we're going to go to Coney Island, and I've actually never been, so I'm super pumped for that, too. I was thinking that I might change my flight and stay one extra day to take the Megabus down to Maryland to see my friends and family, while I'm at it. My parents just sold their house and they're staying there for one more month, then they're going to come to Austin in October and rent a place I think through the holidays before they make up their minds about where to go next. My daughter is beside herself with excitement, and actually, I am too. It's going to be so fun to have them around. I like my parents. I always get sad when they leave from a visit. So that's exciting. 

But it means that I won't be able to visit Maryland as easily. It's the end of an era. I can always visit, but it's not exactly a tourist destination, I just go to see my people. So without my parents there, it won't be as big a draw. Also just the feeling of going "back home" to visit the old stomping grounds, like I'm back in high school again, that will be gone. No more bike rides through the old neighborhood at dusk. I'll miss that.

All right. I need to do work now. The last few days, all weekend and then Monday and Tuesday, I didn't get any alone time and didn't get the girl to school in time so I was like, cooped up at home and tired and stressed out. My mom always says my dad and I are "finely tuned machines." If I don't get time to decompress it catches up to me fast. This morning I actually had like, dizziness and a tight feeling in my chest. Not a heart attack, just stress. So now I'm feeling better. 

I was talking to La Griega yesterday and telling her how it feels like a big change is coming but I can't tell when and it's annoying. She said she can't tell when either (she's pretty intuitive and is kind of like my Yoda because she's really grounded and soothing) but that I should enjoy the present moment so that "when the next surprise comes, it will be more pleasurable because you won't see it coming." She also said that she sees me having to really be there like a mother or a friend to my ex soon. She was like, "I can't tell why, but either stress or something but you're going to have to help him out." 

She also always says, "It had to be this way. Everything had to happen this way so that it all comes together perfectly in the end." I agree with her, I think that's true. I can see it. I'm always like, why is the next chapter taking so long to just happen? Can't I skip ahead already? Like what's going on in my karma that I have to work out? I don't understand. But when I think about it, like, I'm a person who always preferred to literally throw all of my belongings in the back of my car and drive off somewhere and start a whole new life rather than work through difficulties and navigate life in a patient way. So. There you go.

I was talking to a family member the other day who is going through a time of big transitions and was thinking of taking a huge risk in her career (not the good kind but the yikes kind). And I said, holy shit, finally someone can benefit from the lessons of my tumultuous youth! And like, as the words were coming out my mouth, I was learning them myself. They were as much for me as for her. I told her, when you've got a huge transition coming, try not to add more stress on top of it in order to create a full-blown crisis that you have to manage. The manufactured crisis is a nice way to distract yourself from the other things in your life that you don't like, but when it's over, you're still left with yourself and your life that you started with. So why not actually look inside and see beyond the short-term and figure out what you want your life to look like when you're like, sixty, and then keep that vision in your eye and work towards it with courage. Like I have this vision of being at a table with a spouse and my kid and maybe one more kid to boot, and they're grown and they're home visiting for Thanksgiving or something and we're all laughing our asses off after dinner, still picking at the food that's left on the plates and scraping up the last of the dessert. That'll be fun. Maybe I'm just hungry. I should get food.

There's always a point with any big change you make, whether you rush into it or not, where you have jumped off and then the adrenaline wears off and you kind of freak out. Like leaving the shore and being out in the middle of ocean but you can't see the new land yet. I believe they call it the "dark night of the soul." You have to keep going towards the new thing even though you can't see it, or chicken out and go back. Of course you can't chicken out! But going forward is scary. I remember when I finally got to California and found a job and the dust had settled and I kind of freaked out. I called my mom from my parked car and cried to her on the phone that I was worried that I'd made a mistake. She told me that every single time we'd ever moved, there was always a point where she felt the same way, but you have to keep going and it will get better. 

So I feel like the Universe is going like, "This again? You can jump off and do a reckless crisis and then freak out and make it really stressful, and then when you catch your breath you're right back to square one only your nerves are frazzled. Or! You can NOT throw all your shit in the car and move to like, Idaho, or Oklahoma (what even was that, by the way?) or whatever and let us take you down the path our way." So I guess my karma is recklessness and disruption and impatience. So what did I get? Feeling stuck and weighed down for years. I paid a bunch of karmic dues. Now the chess pieces are getting reset. That's all I know. 

But no, that's not all I know. I keep feeling like once I get to Yasgur's farm, then the wheel turns and things lock into place and start to roll forward. I'm so excited to see it. I wonder if it feels good there. I bet it does. How could it not? I bet it's a vortex, like Sedona, only green. 


















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