My Own Personal Teddy Pendergrass
I'm doing amazing lately. Just want to say that right off the bat.
(Knock on wood.)
I'm thinking a lot about the relationship sector of my life because it's basically what's been handed to me by the universe, my higher self, whatever you want to call it, to work on right now. I feel the need to write that "disclaimer" because somewhere along the way I picked up the message that to be too focused on relationships was a sign of weakness. That is a false message, but it comes up now and again, so I acknowledge and release it rather than trying to repress it or it will just jack me up from my unconscious mind, which would be so much worse.
When I was in my twenties, I didn't have many romantic relationships, but the ones I did have were unhealthy. Woot! Mostly addicts who didn't reveal themselves to be toxic until they had already hooked me into their webs of lies and deceit. The first one was when I was in college, and that was an absolute nightmare. I honestly probably wouldn't have kept getting sucked back in if I had been living closer to my family, but I was on my own in the wilds of the midwest and I didn't have any real emotional support. He did a number on my psyche for a long time.
Then I met a super nice guy who helped me realize that there were dudes who were sweet and cute who would actually want to be with me. He didn't know it at the time, but he helped me find the strength and self-esteem to finally leave the douchebag behind once and for all. The nice one lived too far away, and by the time I was free, I was exhausted and just wrung out and had nothing to give to a new relationship. I needed to heal, and it took a very long time to do so.
There was a recurring theme of guys who seemed great, would fall for me (and I for them), and then once they did would either get freaked out and run or start trying to control and criticize me, in an attempt to shrink my epicness (it's a word if I want it to be), to try to make me easier to dominate, because they themselves felt small and weak. That did not work out for them in the end, because by that time I was primed to spot all the toxic behaviors that my first boyfriend displayed (hey, at least I learned that from him) and I fought back and left when it became harmful.
Then I met a wonderful person and we committed to each other and helped each other grow and provided a safe space to heal and evolve. We also made a beautiful child together. Eventually, however, we realized that we're better friends, partners, and co-parents than lovers, and we all know that story.
But there's one other test that came along, and it led to a valuable lesson so I'd like to share it because it's been a life-changer.
A while back, I had like, a crazy, cosmic, what-the-actual-f-is-happening, I-thought-this-only-happened-in-cheesy-movies, across-a-crowded-room, heart-chakra-exploding connection with someone. It was nuts. It was transformative. Like, I'm not the same person I was before it happened, in all the best ways. It was this insane feeling of almost divinely-coordinated love that I hadn't really experienced before. And it had a ripple effect in the rest of my life. My life started flowing in a whole new way. I got job offers, raises, gifts from unexpected places. I felt like I was even starting to look different. And was all flowing out of my heart, which felt filled with golden light and connected not just to the other person, but to all beings, everywhere. It was nuts and a dream come true.
But it didn't work out. There were obstacles, and eventually this beautiful gift started to drain my energy, then it started to drain my self-worth, then it started to turn into a situation that felt disrespectful and almost degrading. It was such a let-down after such a beautiful beginning. I almost felt abandoned by the Great Mystery.
But I wasn't, not really.
Because at the same time that all of this was happening, I also got new friendships that are super supportive. I rekindled old ones that are pure magic. I asked for help when I needed it, I started sharing more of myself and being my true self at all times, without making little adjustments here and there in order to accommodate others. I recommitted to my spiritual practices, going to my groovy women's circle every week instead of sporadically. I was also led to the practice of mantra meditation and chanting, which has one hundred percent rocked my world in the best way and feels amazing. I do it every day now, and I feel its tangible effects in my life.
So one day, I was guided to let go of the dream of that person. I don't think that they are bad. I just think that what our higher selves had to offer each other didn't match up with what our egos here on earth had to offer. This happens to plenty of people, I have at least one good friend it has happened to, and it's all right. There is zero resentment on my part. I genuinely want them to receive their highest good in this lifetime, whatever that may be.
In a way it felt, maybe not like a cosmic test, but more like a cosmic pop quiz. What if we bring you the kind of connection you've always wanted but had essentially given up on ever finding, and it's amazing, but then it stops being something good and starts degrading your spirit? Are you going to accept that degradation, or are you going to claim your sovereignty and do right by your heart?
I dusted off my crown and put it back on my head.
I found a way to sort of bid them a fond farewell from my soul to theirs. It didn't hurt as much as I expected it to. It felt almost like I was being surrounded and held as I did it, which is miraculous, because ordinarily letting go of love is very difficult for me. Later that night, I went to my women's circle, and I had a beautiful journey where I got the message (this time from a giant, ancient sea turtle who continually lays eggs somewhere out there in the universe. I'm starting to think that it really might be turtles all the way down.) that another person cannot fill up my spirit. That I come from realms of beauty and light, and nothing on earth can come close to the source of my soul. Of all of our souls. So we must go within and return to our source, whatever that is for each of us, and refill our spiritual reserves from there. Then we shine our light here on Earth, and serve as beacons for one another in the growing darkness. Our mission is just to be exactly our true selves, and to help each other, and to reveal more and more light that way, until good wins out in the end. And it will. We will.
When I woke up the next morning, I had a text waiting for me from one of the guys I had connected with on The Dating App. A couple of weeks prior he had said that he would take me out on a date, and we exchanged numbers, but then I never heard from him. Now here he was texting me a really thoughtful apology. He said that he had had a weird couple of weeks (yeah, you're not alone there, friend) but it was no excuse not to touch base. He wanted to apologize, and if I was still interested did I still want to go out?
Wow! A guy from a dating app? Apologizing for ghosting and saying there was no excuse for his behavior? Offering to take me out on a proper date if I could find it in my heart to forgive him?
Yes, universe. I accept. Sorry, I mean, yes, [dude's name]. I accept.
Then another guy from the same app messaged me, and made a date, and he's texted me several times over the course of the week just being friendly and asking me about school and my interests and sending funny gifs and stuff.
It doesn't really matter if either of these guys turns out to be a new relationship. What matters is that I declared my self-worth to be more important than trying to hold onto a beautiful dream that had turned into a source of pain. And the universe sent me an attagirl by saying, "See? Two nice people who think you're cute reached out. Do with it what you will, but you won't be alone for long if you don't want to be." I accept and appreciate kind, respectful people in my life who are enthused about me and aren't afraid to show it. It's that simple.
Another thing about that is, the magic really was within me all along. My life is flowing again in beautiful ways. My relationships in all areas of life blossom and feel blessed. My spirituality continues to unfold. I feel guided and loved. I see flowers and butterflies, and I get signs all the time that good things are coming and that I'm not alone. I continue to live my life and appreciate everyone in it, but in a whole new way this time. Because I have true love from within. And true love transforms, and that transformation is always good, and it lasts forever.
I'm pretty sure that before too long, one who is cosmically connected to me, and available, and forthright, and a one-woman kind of man, and at least as hot as Teddy Pendergrass in the videos below (with similar moves, if Goddess is listening and feels like helping a sister out), who also appreciates my new mustard-gold velvet duvet cover and matching pillowcases, will find me. So I'd better get back to work, because I don't want to have to put him off because I procrastinated on my friggin' homework.
He knows what to do with it. But you gotta let him get it.
Oh what the heck, here's one more. I. Can. Dig it.
*kissing sound* "Put that where you want it."